Beauty Lies Within
Past is the Past.
I am at a constant battle with myself.
Back + Forth, over and over.
It’s exhausting.
I do nothing physically and I’m exhausted.
Emotionally and Spiritually.
Some days or weeks are harder than others.
Motivation, faith and grace comes in waves.
I’m at the point of forcing myself to partake in fun, to try remember what I truly enjoy.
Which then typically leads to substance and that’s not the real me either.
So then what am I even trying to experience, because it’s Just all Haze after that.
Life is different.
It’s better, but it’s different.
I think I’m grieving my past self’s ambitions.
Who ever she was.
I know I will never be her again, I wouldn’t want to, I love who I am today; but I think certain aspects of her are trying to force their way through.
I think they just don’t know what to do when they arrive.
They pass through a wall of self reflection that should be turning it into action, but it seems it is turning those attributes into analysis of worth and fear instead.
Bottling it all up inside until I’m paralyzed by insecurity and anxiety.
I never understood depression growing up, I never allowed myself to. Type A- kid with abandonment trauma.
I am now choosing to not attack my life at every turn, it’s an amazing growth that has opened so many doors.
It also opens the doors for feelings I’ve never experienced before.
I understand depression now, it doesn’t make it any easier, but knowing I always come out on the other side eventually lights a fire for sure.
Leaning into the emotions that start the spiral is the growth from here.
Talking wisdom with others, hearing I’m not alone and remembering God is with me seems to perk me up the fastest.
I’m so thankful for my tribe in my life that reach out or just have all the right words to say when I need it most. Even when they have no idea they’re doing it.🤟🏼💛
I was going to journal on paper but felt called and more motivated to gram it instead. Maybe this will resonate, help, motivate, or calm someone and that’s worth the vulnerability to me.
I am worthy, even on zero days.
I am exactly where i need to be.
xoxo
— Jesi B
